Thursday, March 31, 2005

Sex talk

Another sleepless night but this time it was different... There was no screaming, no fighting, no crying... Just a pain in my heart, disappointment, and a sense of lack of control. The reason: my low sex drive. Not that I don't want to have sex, not like we don't know how to please eachother... I just would prefer to cuddle on the couch and sleep. Could be our opposing schedules, could be the idea in the back of my mind that my doc is hiding something from me, could be stress both for him or I... Could be a million things. No sense in trying to make excuses now, I see that it is hurting him bad... And whatever hurts him hurts me. It's only because we have something near-perfect to compare the then and now... Yes he is right when he says that it went from twice a day to hardly... But I am traumatized by the excessive poking and doctors appointments and treatments. I worry senselessly, obsessively... I wish that all that could be put behind us and that my paranoia would just vanish in the blink of an eye. But guess what: it won't! When he says that a relationship without sex is just not a relationship, that puts extreme pressure on me! It makes me want to have sex not because I want to or that I am in the mood, but because I want to save our relationship. I hate when he brings up my ex and I as an example of how bad a sex-less relationship turns. We are different then my ex and I. There was much more then the sex issue. Just like we have more then sex to hold us together. I hate that at a first sign of struggle, he puts a big fat question mark on our relationship... I believe that we can work through anything and there is nothing that can't be remedied by a little time, love, and effort. This may be a phase just like we have had in the past. It wasn't always sunnydays! It can't always be sunnydays! I think we may just have to work on things a little more... It may have to change from the 'drop your pants now and lets do it' to the more romantic taking the time to get really hot and excited kinda thing. Bring on the candles, sexy music, and massage oils! (as clichez as that is)