Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Starting the year with a bang!

Slept on the couch for the entire night last night for the first time in our relationship. That alone is significant. Didn't sleep much so my mind is numb, didn't cry all night except for when we finally talked this morning. I feel in a cloud, a dark grey, rainy cloud. He had to leave for work this morning leaving me starring at my coffee mug on the couch with tears in my eyes. I hate that he still calls me honey and babes even when we are fighting. Sure sometimes I do it for him but its only out of pure selfishlessness to please him. Am I in denial? What we have is a close to perfect history and plans for the future... What about everything in between? What about now? Should we not live for the present therefore love for the present and not the past nor the future? I'm not motivated to do anything today... Not the gym, not school... Nothing... I want to avoid all social interaction, I want to stay in bed all day.
How does he expect us to have sex when he says so many sweet words to me during the day while he's at work... He can't wait to see me, to touch me... But then he doesn't act like that when he gets home. He eats dinner that I made him and we hardly talk. How can we have sex when we have nothing to say to eachother? Did he mean what he said in his love email? Is he in denial as well? He hit me where it hurts: comparing our relationship with that of his 5 year failed relationship that he sometimes refers to as a mistake? Are we really heading down the same destructive road?