Wednesday, May 05, 2004

shitty shit shit

thats how i feel today... and i feel that im hurting the ones I love. First off, my sis is really getting to me... her clingyness and our inability to talk about our feelings and to confront certain issues is really creating a distance between us. I feel like our relationship has gone to shit and we are leaving after tomorow on a two month trip together. Another reason why I feel like I am dreading this trip. We are in total denial that anything is wrong and knowing how we are, we wont talk about it unless I initiate the subject... which is taking all the strength and energy I have left. She takes a lot out of me and I feel like I dont get enough in return. I just feel like since i am going through a rough period in my life that she should be the one pulling me closer instead she pretends that nothing is the matter and that there is nothing to talk about. Our conversations feel fake and so shallow.
Secondly, I hate going home. I spoke a lot about my relationship with my mom with my counsellor yesturday and I have come to the realization that my house, my mom, my sister.... and I mustnt forget my moms boyfriend... are a big cause of my stress and anger. The place is a constant pig staw and I am not ok with the fact that the little time that I do spend at home... I spend it cleaning which only agravates me further. It is downright unpleasnt to come home in those conditions. One positive about the trip: it will be a break from my mom and her bf and from the ugly, dirty, anxiety provoking house. I know it awaits me when I get back though. More and more... I am looking forward to having my own apartment in which we are not 5 of us living there... I need more privacy and I need more space to breath and to destress. I dont want my mom there at the door waiting for me to get back to ask me how my day was... what I did... who did i see... and to listen to her millions of pointless and might I add unnecessarily long stories! Crazy how one hour with a counsellor may put things in different perspectives in my head... I feel extremely short fused with my family.
So of course when things dont run smoothly in different aspects of my life... the love life suffers... since phil finished work at 12, i came to meet him when he got home. At this point I am stressed from being at home for a couple of hours and I feel such a heavy weight bringing me down. Totally emotional drained. So as always, i bitch and complain and rant about everything and nothing. So that just puts such a damper on the mood of the evening... or may I call it a late night rendez vous. I cannot get used to this crap schedule... I was ready for bed at 11... i was totally exhausted but I really wanted to spend the night with phil especially since we only have two more nights together. but when we get together at night obviously he needs to unwind from his day and is so wired and nowhere near ready for bed, so I end up falling asleep or goinmg to bed early and then he stays up... and i cant sleep, and then he comes to bed and he is so sleepy... we lay at opposite ends of the bed until I get fed up and here I am... 4:34 in the morning... writing my blog. I have to get up at 8 for some girly appointments so we wont have the morning together. So another sleepless night for me... and a tired-zombie-like day for me tomorrow. While he is sleeping warmly in the bed... this kinda stuff does not seem to be affecting him... hell get to sleep in tomorow... i let things get to me... i wonder if i am over analysing this
so basically that is it!!!